Fighting with your partner is always uncomfortable and frustrating. Unfortunately, even the happiest couples argue sometimes. Occasional arguments are a normal aspect of healthy relationships. But how can you navigate arguments in a way that leads you both to a solution? While fighting every once in a while is unavoidable, you can still focus on productive communication during arguments. 

Arguing with your partner, rather than “at” them, is the key. But what does this really look like in practice? And how can you and your partner apply this principle when discussions get heated? Here’s how to master the art of arguing with your partner instead of arguing at them.

Approach Problems as a Team

When you and your partner are facing a challenge, you can take two different approaches. You can try to tackle the problem as a team and view yourselves as one unit against a particular obstacle. Or you can take your frustrations out on each other. Taking on problems as a team is the key to fostering a strong, healthy connection. When you’re dealing with a difficult issue, it’s easy to direct your anger towards your partner, but making a conscious decision to move forward together is a much better choice.

Avoid Lecturing

You want to get your feelings off your chest. Naturally, you start sharing what’s on your mind, and you need your partner to listen. But if you’re the only one talking, it’s not a conversation. Instead, it’s a lecture. When you have a lot on your mind, it’s tempting to keep talking – but your partner needs to play an equal role in the conversation.

Communicate With “I” Messages

Do you ever catch yourself blaming your partner when you fight? Even if you’re both at a fault, or if you’ve been deeply hurt by your partner, it’s important to keep your statements focused on your personal feelings. Pointing your finger at your partner will only prompt them to put their defenses up. Instead, state how you feel, and give your partner the space to do the same. This means using “I” messages. For instance, instead of telling your partner “You made me feel upset,” you can rephrase the statement as “I feel upset because of what happened.”

Accept Your Partner’s Vulnerability

In the midst of an argument, your partner might share something that makes them feel emotionally vulnerable. Take a moment to show empathy, even if you’re still angry. Don’t try to tell them that their feelings are wrong. Furthermore, don’t attempt to “one up” them and prove that you’ve been hurt more deeply. 

Instead, take the opportunity to ask your partner how they feel. When your partner is vulnerable with you, it’s an opportunity to get curious and ask questions. In order to solve the problem, you’ll both need to let your guards down.

Resist the Urge to Prove Your Partner Wrong

When you’re arguing with your partner, you might feel like you have to prove that you’re “right.” But if you’re focused on proving your partner wrong, you’re only going to hurt their feelings. Instead, you should both prioritize a shared goal: seeing each others’ points of view and finding common ground. Figuring out a fair compromise should be more important to you both than figuring out who is wrong and who is right. When couples argue, there are often gray areas in which no one is really right or wrong. Accepting this is the first step towards forgiveness. 

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Have you and your partner been arguing more often? Working with a relationship coach can help. Reach out to me today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session.

Jeremy
Son. Husband. Father. Coach