Social media is ruining your relationship, but you can stop it. 

Navigating a relationship is one of the most emotionally challenging, physically draining, and spiritually depleting dynamics we face in life. As if relationships were not challenging on their own, when social media is so easily accessed, now we must compete with ‘another’ repeatedly in the room. Our partner’s attention can get swept away by the empty scrolls of social media. This relationship detractor grasps our partner’s attention at a moments notice, with one little chime. The ease of continually being connected to a digital social evionrment is something that our partners take with them where ever they go! It is as if they choose to communicate with another when we are in the same room. How is it that a living being can be ignored for an inanimate object? Social media can create isolation and distance in many relationships today, leaving one to feel alone or abandoned, or unwanted. 

Social media creates isolation.

 I think we can all agree that social media was designed to keep us connected with one another. Whether social media has been used for romantic connections or social connections, many couples have experienced an increase in disconnection. It seems as if couples become more comfortable and complacent, resulting in fewer attempts at affection. When couples do not connect to one another, a narrative is allowed to destroy the relationship. 

When individuals are in isolation, they are, in gestalt coaching, living in ill health to the self. Gestalt authors Korb, Gorrell, and De Riet (2002) illustrate ill health as not living up to one’s authenticity by not obtaining what one needs from one’s environment, therefore sacrificing a piece of authenticity for comfort:

“When the organism is functioning in a natural, spontaneous, dynamic way, it responds openly to internal and external events.”

When our partner moves into more profound isolation, for example, when giving attention to social media rather than us, we begin to isolate. In our isolation begins our negative self-talk and our catastrophizing. Usually, this comes with thoughts of “they’ll never love me” or “they are involved with someone else” or “I wish I could receive that much attention.” In this catastrophizing starts the whirlwind of negative self-talk, which is the prime ingredient for distancing.

Social media creates distance.

In a relationship, social media can inevitably produce distance. Often, couples will get into a car on a trip or even a short ride to the store, where one will drive, and the other will be on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, or begin texting their friend. This is an optimal time to engage in dialog, but rarely does this happen. Consequently, the pervasive argument is “you never talk to me” or “why are you so distant?” How is it that this platform used to bring human beings together creates the distance in the relationships we so desire? Quite possibly, we become so comfortable in relationships that we often go numb to the dynamics of distancing that is being created. If we cannot turn to our loved one and say, “thank you for being present in my life,” then we have probably become comfortable and do not feel as if they need to hear this.

Social media affects parenting too.

Unfortunately, a couple’s bliss is not the only relationship that suffers when social media is involved in a numbing degree. Joe Desprospero illustrates how we, as a collective society, desire to create distance:

“Some of us let social media take over our lives, creating silent dinner tables and this absurd mission for every social gathering to only be as strong as the Instagram photo it yielded.”

Numerous articles today highlight the necessity of parenting and how many of the dynamics we have grown up with have drastically changed. For example, a popular media outlet, The Asian Parent, illustrates how moms are affected by social media. The authors claim social media makes mom’s judgmental and depressed. Additionally they relate how moms must feel the desire to ‘keep up with the Jones’ and promote their kids and family via social media. As moms (and don’t think dads are immune) promote their kids on social media, what often goes ignored in the present moment. It goes ignored because when keeping up with the Jones’s, a parent might strive to look fabulous rather than be amazing.

Parenting does not escape the distancing dynamics of relationship. I work with many men who are distancing themselves from parenting for fear of doing it wrong or not knowing how to do it or even merely distancing so they are not like their father, inevitably distancing just as they did. In this distancing or distracting, we desire to be distracted from seminally minimal tasks: parenting.

So what now?

Being present as a partner or a parent requires a very similar amount of skills. The challenging part of being present is understanding what present means to us. For example, if I want my wife to pay attention to me, I need to learn how to state this. I need to develop the courage to say, “I feel ignored when I try to connect to you.” If I need attention from my wife, then it is up to me to find a way to connect. If this need arises, and I do not ask for connection, I have unresolved business, and this is ripe territory for anxiety, hatred, depression, fear, and so forth. 

Relationships take courage, initiative, understanding, and awareness. If one does not have a decent example of relationships, how can one possibly navigate a relationship? To explore the damages of relationships or even know how to navigate your current relationship’s successes takes tremendous vulnerability. I can support you in understanding this vulnerability and the courage it takes to break the mold.

Jeremy R. Allen
Son. Husband. Father. Coach
Find me on Facebook!
www.jeremyrallen.com
jeremy@jeremyrallen.com

References/Links:

https://ph.theasianparent.com/social-media-affects-way-perceive-parenting/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-deprospero/what-social-media-has-tau_b_6458228.html