Family Conflict Can Be One of Our Biggest Stressors 

Family often present one of the most frustrating aspects of life, especially during the holiday. The reason being, as we get older, their teachings do not necessarily hold true for us. It doesn’t mean their teachings are not good, it just means we need to create personal values as we get older. Families typically run off of autopilot and do not even challenge their value system, they hold on to a system that seems to be working (we think!). 

Family gatherings are becoming triggering and frustrating because we fail to keep our boundaries by offering clear and precise, and kind communication. Keep reading if you’re interested in managing this conflict forever and especially to remain peaceful during the holidays.  

Who Taught You How to Be This Way? 

Your family did. But you’re carrying this dynamic forward. As younger humans, we can only react as we learn. Think back to psychology 101, where we learned about Pavlov and the salvaging dog. Or, maybe you remember the episode of The Office where Jim teaches Dwight how to ask for a mint when he restarts his computer. In either case, we become blindly conditioned to many of our environments. Our inability to work with these boundaries becomes the autopilot I referred to above.   

The inability to address conflict in your family becomes classical conditioning. Your family might not fall into this category, but this is what is happening at the root. Often our parents say, “We don’t do …” or “It’s very rude to …” These are lessons we learn from our family and in turn swallow these lesson whole. We don’t challenge them. In most cases, these rules guarantee our safety. In actuality, the rules are due to how our parents were raised. Subsequently, we raise our family in this way, hoping it is the right thing to do. 

Why does my family frustrate me during the holiday? 

More than likely, what is happening here is you disagree with your family’s values, which is normal, but your unable to speak up at the holiday because your mom or dad said, “we don’t talk back.” So, flash forward to being 25 or so, and all family affairs are now triggering events that lead to arguments. Sound familiar?  When you work with a coach to put in the work to explores these communication patterns, you can learn a lot about your family dynamics. For instance, have you ever wondered why you tense up when trying to communicate to your family. 

I can guarantee what is happening here is your nervous system is in overdrive. This internal system in the system that houses our traumas from the past and also tells us a lot of how we communicate. To understand this further, think of a time when you were relatively calm and out of the blue, you began to notice your heart rate soared, and your chest began to tighten. What was going on in your environment that triggered all of this? Usually, this happens so quickly we miss all the indicators and give into the anxiety.

What To Do About It?  

Good question. Just breathe. Seriously. Breathing will help. You’ll also need to begin to address the inner dynamics that frustrate you, such as: why do you let your family walk all over you, why do you allow your family to speak for you, why does your family still control you, and possibly still pay for you? When we engage in dynamics such as this, we keep ourselves stuck. 

I’m not an advocate for starting these conversations during the holiday dinner. Not one bit. Therefore, see above and begin to breathe. Focus on breathing because that is what you can control. You can’t control your mom or dad’s parenting style in one-holiday dinner. So know that. 

This talk will need to come later. If you work with a coach to open this dialogue with your family, you’re supported in speaking your truth from a loving place that doesn’t bring in hate or dismay. I know, easier said than done, but have you tried it? If you have tried communicating this way and your family has been non-accepting, then you need to re-sculpt your personal values system. 

Do you want to begin to hold boundaries in your family?  

Reach out for a free 30-minute consultation.  

Jeremy R. Allen
Son. Husband. Father. Coach.
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