We have all heard “relationships are not easy.” Truth. What is also true is if you’ve found someone you care about and enjoy 90 percent of the time, you can enhance this relationship with some essential relationship coaching. Real, clear, communication comes from practice, trial, and error. As a personal development coach, I can help you achieve transparent, authentic, and genuine communication.
The Key to Relationship Communication.
Better communication takes work. I hear a wide range of couples state, “If he or she or they would just listen, my life would be so much easier.” Men I work with often say, “If my spouse would stop complaining, I’d be much happier.” With relationship coaching, you will learn that better communication comes through understanding your significant other on a deeper level. I can promise you this, if you wouldn’t tell your significant other that he or she is a nag to their face, then you might want to rethink how you talk to them.
Better communication allows for clarity in the relationship. When we strive to communicate, we must refrain from “hidden” words that we can use to trap one another. Hidden words are what we say internal such as, “she never trusts me anyway” or “If she knew me, she’d understand.” Rather that the emotional sabotage this creates, try instead to find clear ways to communicate exactly what you need.
How to Improve your Communication Style.
Change is difficult, but not impossible. Standford produced a study that illustrates that you must make this change consistent for six-weeks in a row if you want to change something about yourself. So, if trying to use better communication skills, you have to do this consecutively. Even though Standford addressed needing to do this consistently, the benefit you have is working with your partner will also enhance the ability to make this the new norm.
I-Statements in Communication.
Using I statements has been around in the relationship enhancement field for quite some time. I-Statement helps consume ownership for feelings, emotions, and reactions. Don’t believe me? Try one on. Remember the last time your partner made you mad, and you said, “you make me feel like I am crazy!” What would a statement to your partner look like that assumed ownership? It might look like, “I feel like I’m losing control,” or “I need a break,” or even “I need some space.” What happens when we assume ownership is we do not blame the other for how we feel.
No Mind Reading Allowed.
In my experience, far too many couples try to read minds. In doing this, better communication becomes thwarted by way of projections. You’ll know you are being projected upon when you hear your significant other say, “I’m an empath.” Fake empaths people are just individuals who become highly triggered by everyone around them, and they fail to own their experiences. Fake empaths cause more damage than good. Here is a great article stating the difference between true empaths and fake empaths (https://www.learning-mind.com/fake-empaths-differences-real/). But, I digress.
Mind reading breaks the connection between couples and allows projections to pierce the veil of intimacy. In the quest for better communication, seek clarity from your significant other. Let’s imagine your most recent argument. Did you say something like, “You just don’t understand me!” This is a projection. You are projecting on to your spouse or lover that they don’t understand you. We do not know this to be accurate, but what is true is you do not feel understood. Therefore, using a statement closer to “I don’t feel understood in this moment” can have more success in lower the energy level and bridging better communication patterns into the relationship.
Ask Your Partner for Clarity.
Using projections is like a shot across the bow. It is best to seek clarifying information so you can also not fly off the handle. In pursuit of better communication, you can ask clarifying questions like, “What I hear you saying is …”. You can even ask your partner to clarify what they are saying, “I hear you saying I am making you mad, can you let me know how I am making you mad?” This will help you with clarifying what your partner is experiencing so you can take corrective actions.
Validation.
To be validated is to be seen and heard. Being seen and heard by a significant other can end every argument and offer better communication n the relationship. We might choose to dig our heels in, but at least our significant other will see and hear us. Think of the last time you had an argument or felt validated for how you were feeling. What was this like? Did you let your guard down? Did you feel seen and heard? Dr.’s John and Judy Gottman (https://www.gottman.com) discuss that validation can enhance any relationship’s safety and security. Validation is key in enhancing safety and security and offering voice in better communication.
Validation is the key to enhancing better communication because it also contributes to our quest for clarity. Let’s take, for example, when your significant other becomes highly triggered by something you said. Maybe you said, “You always react this way – this is why it is so hard to talk to you!” Sound familiar? Now, justifiably, this is a triggering statement that can send our significant other over the rails. Your partner will likely fire back with, “You never hear anything I say anyway!” And we’re off to the races!! Take a step back for just one second. Can you see where there is an opportunity to validate the other here?
Ask for Space.
In the search for better communication, all arguments seem to start from old business in the relationship. When lack of communication permeates, the loop seems endless, and it isn’t easy to see the starting point. All positions in the argument can be seen as valid. Most arguments end up pulling this topic in or that topic in, then we find ourselves talking about the honeymoon and how “YOU got so drunk!” If you can use I-statement, don’t read your lover’s mind, ask for clarity, validate his or her positions, then asking for space will be seamless.
Asking for space is heard as, “I hear you saying I am frustrating you and you are angry with me. It must be very frustrating that I am not hearing what you are saying. How can I hear you right now in this moment and let you know that I often hear what you are saying?” Or you can say, “That’s not true and you always lie.” See how that works out for you.
In order to become stronger, you must work out.
Better communication is like a muscle. You have to exercise the muscle to increase its resiliency. Try the above techniques in small doses. Bring in I-statements and see if he or she is willing to try with you. Try to own your experience and not project onto your companion. Ask for clarity when you are confused. Validate your partner’s emotions or feelings, or experiences. Try to take a little more space by not owning all of your feelings or reactions, but instead offer how you experience the situation as well … of course after you have validated.
If you need help putting all of this into practice, schedule a free consult. I’ll help you, and your significant other enhance better communication by way of experiential learning. You’ll talk to one another live. I’ll help you with communication, and you’ll learn how to de-escalate arguments faster than before.
Jeremy R. Allen
Son. Husband. Father. Coach
www.jeremyrallen.com
jeremy@jeremyrallen.com