Perhaps you’ve been fighting with your partner more often than you would like. Even if you don’t get into full-blown arguments, the relationship conflict feels like the two of you can always find something to bicker about. You’re tired of disagreeing and being unable to find compromise or common ground. But at the same time, you don’t just want to bite your tongue when you feel upset. 

You both need to be able to express your needs and your frustrations. However, too many partners approach difficult discussions in a conflictual manner. The solution? Choosing to get curious about understanding each other and finding solutions instead. Here’s how to put curiosity at the forefront when you’re dealing with a potential conflict.

Pinpoint Triggers That Lead to Fighting

You might not even realize that external influences are prompting you to pick fights with each other. If you suspect that your arguments are linked to outside sources of stress, it’s time to become curious about what sets off your fights. Maybe you both come home feeling anxious and exhausted after the workday. Or perhaps you tend to snap at each other during times when you’re stretching your budget thin and feeling stressed about your finances. If you can pinpoint the source of your conflicts, you can effectively address the root issue.

Ask Questions Rather Than Blaming Each Other

When you get into a fight with your partner, you might be tempted to blame the problem on them. After all, self-reflection can be uncomfortable, and chances are, you’ve both contributed to the issue. However, rather than jumping to blaming each other, it’s a good idea to step back and simply ask questions. 

How is your partner feeling? Why is this issue so contentious? What needs do you both have that are not being met in the moment? When you can resist the urge to pin the blame on each other and choose to ask questions instead, you can start working towards solutions that are fair to both of you.

Listen Closely

Making a real effort to listen is an essential part of exercising your curiosity. When your partner speaks, your first instinct might be to try to come up with a response or rebuttal. Instead, allow yourself to simply focus on what they’re saying. They should give you the same respect. When you listen, you learn – and you might be surprised by what you find out about your partner. Chances are, you might learn their preferred way to connect, which is different than yours.

Explore Sincere Apologies

After a fight, you and your partner might try to apologize and make up. But what does a sincere apology look like to you? Alternatively, what does it look like to your partner? You might have different ideas, and perhaps this is why it seems like your fights never end. What do you need your partner to do in order to feel like they’ve truly apologized? Dig into your own answer to this question, and find out what your partner needs, too.

Discuss Your Vision for the Future Together

What if you’re always disagreeing about your next steps together? Maybe you’re worried that your lives are going down different paths, and that’s why you seem to be butting heads. If you’re concerned that this is the case, it’s time to apply that sense of curiosity to your visions of the future. What do you want from life, and from your relationship? If your partner’s answers differ from yours, this is likely the reason for your conflicts.

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Are you and your partner fighting too often? Are you wanting to avoid continued relationship conflict? Talking to a relationship coach can help you get curious about each other instead. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session.

Jeremy R. Allen, GPCC, MA
Son. Husband. Father. Coach