Think of the last time your partner genuinely made you angry.

What was your first reaction? Did you want to hit something? Say a swear word? Go silent?

If your goal is to have an intimate, healthy, and mature relationship, managing your anger is key. Not all problems in the relationship required depth-analysis, rather, the couple can benefit from relationship coaching.

It can feel easy to let out your frustration on the people closest to you rather than the person or thing that caused it. Sometimes, people suppress their feelings until they’re around those they’re most comfortable with, only to leave them seeing the worst of us.

What if you let your partner see the best of you again? Let’s go through ways you can do that by de-escalating anger in your relationship.

Skip the Silent Treatment

Some people feel the urge to go cold and slam the door on their way out when angry. While this may seem like a cathartic fix in the moment, all you’re doing is giving your partner more reason to be frustrated or anxious with you.

Try giving yourself the mental break you need without leaving your partner behind in the dust.

Don’t pressure yourself to problem-solve or find a compromise before you’re ready to. Simply share with your partner that you’re getting overwhelmed and could use a break to organize your thoughts.

Before leaving, let them know that you care about finding a solution. You’re leaving because you want to come back clear-headed, not because you don’t want to finish the conversation.

Own Your Own Feelings

What if your partner is the one giving you the silent treatment?

Well, you can’t force your partner to talk to you if they really don’t want to. And yes, it is anxiety-inducing to not know what they’re thinking, not know how it’s gonna end, and not know how long the silence will last.

All you can do is own your own feelings and share that you’re ready to talk whenever they are. Attempting to persuade or threaten them into paying attention to you again is likely going to make the situation worse.

Help Them By Helping Yourself First

It can be tempting to fall into habits of people-pleasing or saying “yes” to anything that could end the argument. Unfortunately—no matter how hard you try to be—you are not responsible for thoughts, behaviors, and emotions of another person.

You are only responsible for your own.

Once you learn how to self-soothe and calm yourself down during tense moments, it can help your partner feed off your energy and learn to manage their own emotions as well. Frantically telling them “Calm down!” or accusing them of acting “crazy” will only add fuel to the fire, not help them grasp how destructive their behavior is.

Think Twice Before You Vent

Let’s say you and your partner share a wide circle of friends. There are plenty of people who you could call to vent about the situation. Before you make the call, ask yourself:

Are you looking for someone to share advice, or are you looking for someone to take your side?

Leaning on friends to give us a boost of confidence for things like a job interview or a first date is great! However, when it comes to problem-solving in relationships, phoning a friend could just be a way you avoid the issue altogether.

This can leave your partner feeling vulnerable and more defensive about working it out with you. Instead, try calming yourself down by journaling—it’s like venting, only without the complicated game of he-said-she-said.

The next time you start seeing red, pause and ask yourself, “What would the best version of myself do in this situation?”

They probably wouldn’t take cheap shots at the person they love or storm out of the room. Maybe they’d collect their thoughts, re-state their boundaries, and ask follow-up questions

Next time, let this person take the lead. And if you need help finding that best version of yourself, contact me and set up a coaching session today.